My Children Made me This Way

Things my Monsters learn from me:

• Some days the sky in your world can be purple.
• Turn up the radio and dance when you love a song.
• Sometimes a swear word is the best way to express your feelings.
• Puddles are for splashing in.
• Fireflies are more beautiful pouring out of the jar than they are hovering in it.
• Everyone loses  their temper.
• Books are a good place to get lost.
• Crying is as good as laughing.
• It’s ok not to be happy all the time.
• It’s ok to be selfish sometimes.
• Love has no conditions.
• You don’t have to like the people you love all the time.
• No one is perfect.
• Everyone needs to yell once in a while.

The things I learn from my Monsters:

• Bugs are beautiful when you look at them up close.
• What your friends think IS the most important thing in the moment.
• Little brothers are annoying. So are little sisters, big sisters, and big brothers.
• Yelling isn’t always fighting.
• Band aids can fix anything.
• Having to use an inside voice sucks.
• Annoying your siblings takes study and work.
• Love is unconditional.
• Coloring is an art form.
• Under the dining room table is a good place to be alone.
• Fans are great to sing into.
• No one giggles enough.
• I’m sorry should always be enough.
• The sky really is purple some days if you look at it just right.
• Dance from your heart, not how everyone else does.
• Everyone needs to spin till your dizzy and fall down just because.
• Porch steps are the best place to eat popsicles.

Sometimes the lessons are the same.

Some are intentional.

Some aren’t.

But it’s what we are teaching each other everyday.

I think I must be laundry obsessed because every time something laundry related shows up on the shelf at the store that starts with W and ends in mart, I get excited. I blame the sheer amount of it that gets done in my house,  4 Monsters produce enough for a load to be done daily. And to think I thought it would get better once spit up and diaper leaks where no longer a consideration. Ah well, I digress.

 I first discovered Purex back in college. 1992, SUNY Canton in upstate NY my roommate introduced me Purex. It was the perfect laundry soap on a college budget, it also smelled really good, AND it didn’t make  me itchy. That is always a plus. I used it for years, but inevitably I switched to something claiming better results or was on sale or for a smell that caught my nose in the store one day, damn you vanilla lavender (and I am sure the males in my family agree completely here).

The package caught my attention first. It’s compact, and kinda cute, and looked like it would save space. Our house is small and storage is at a minimum, I liked this idea. And I was curious, the name is long but it tosses out the idea like a really good newspaper headline (points to the development and marketing teams for this product). Then the nose won, I picked it up and this lovely scent filtered up.

MMmmm..laundry soap smell is good.

I got my nose to disengage from the sniffing and allow my brain to read then, and I will admit to some skepticism.  A laundry sheet that will go from washer to dryer and deliver detergent, softener, and anti-static…uh huh. Something has to give, right? At $5.95 for 20 sheets (10 large loads, 20 regular sized ones) it was still a bargain, so what the heck. Picking from the three scents went to D, I will stand there forever sniffing, and into the cart went Tropical. I enjoyed the scent all the rest of the trip, it was like our own personal air freshener without being overwhelming. A woman even asked what kind of candle I had in my cart.

I of course had laundry waiting when we got home, big surprise there. Now I should voice my initial concerns because I will imagine they are some that you all might have as well. It’s a sheet, I am not expecting that to last the washer to dryer trip. Cleaning power I trust. I always use stain stuff on the Monsters stuff, because, well…they are Monsters and I don’t care what the detergent says, I need to pretreat. Fabric softener..maybe. I cheat and put it in at the begining because I never make it back to my washer for the rinse cycle and the Monsters think the fabric softener balls are great to play with. So that could work. Static control after being in the washer..we will see.

The sheets are nice and thick, detergent taking up most of the sheet, and then a little strip at the top that remains till they have been through the dryer and then that is gone as well. You drop the sheet(s) into the washer, toss in the clothes, and walk away. Switch to the dryer sheet and all and walk away again. The sheet made a nice amount of soap as the washer filled and again, scent..mmmmmm. When I tossed it all in the dryer the sheets had held up, now feeling like a regular dryer sheet. Another point. And my clothes smelled great, though I wasn’t sure it would last. I got side tracked for a while and D ended up folding for me. She was raving about how good the clothes smelled. So there was another point. I checked over the clothes then, and they looked as good as they smelled. No stains, no dinginess, nice and bright and clean. Now I was impressed

I don’t know how good the sheets themselves are for the environment, but there is less packaging.  The container is about the size of a large dryer sheet box, and if you use these you won’t have one of those. They also sell refills, so you can reuse that handy box, and you get 5 more sheets in the refills. I have found that you can use one sheet even with a big load and still have good results. An extra large one I did use 2. They are easy on the budget (can you get enough detergent, fabric softener, and dryer sheets separately for 20 loads for $6?) and in this economic climate that’s a good thing. So if you’ve been looking at it and passing it by, I say give it a try. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

Nothing heavy today however. At the moment I am contemplating breakfast. Pancakes.

A kid favorite and staple in my family since I was little. The thing about them is they are an ever evolving recipe. They have changed as our family has grown. New things added, traditions passed on while new ones are created. The base recipe doesn’t always matter. Sometimes I make from scratch, sometimes I doctor a mix when I am feeling a little lazy. (I never leave mixes alone, I always put something in them.) There is always vanilla added. I love vanilla. Sometimes we make them with applesauce. A trick of my father in laws. We add chocolate chips sometimes. Blueberries are my husbands favorite. Other berries have been tossed in as well. Sometimes they are banana nut. Sometimes I just get creative and toss in something new…bits of crumbled up bacon is good…so is sausage. And fruit..Monsters like fruit better than chocolate sometimes.

Pancakes are ever changing, just like a family. There are staples, things that always go on the table; butter, syrup, and peanut butter in our families case (my Dad’s thing). We always have cold milk. But there might be new things too. Jelly, butter pecan syrup, whipped cream, sour cream, powdered sugar, cinnamon.  You never know what might tickle our taste buds and luckily this is one of the few things the Monsters kind of like to tinker with and try something new.

I have an electric griddle that was my grandmothers, and I make them at the table on Sunday morning. We talk and we eat. Pancakes are comfort no matter what. Sticky fingers, buttery kisses of thanks, and a table full of giggling Monsters. It’s a good way to spend Sunday morning.

I realized the other day (when I am not being sappy, or having 6am epiphanies) that I don’t seem to look on the growing up of my children through  same thin veil of sadness that I see in many mothers. In many parents. Ok.. maybe it’s just the sort that I saw in my mother as I grew up..and even see in her now as she watches her grandchildren grow. It’s like reverse rose tinted glasses. They seem to have colored all the milestones and events with a hint of blue.

Now it’s not that I don’t  get a little weepy or nostalgic, just read my other posts..but more often than not I am as excited about the growing up as they are. Hell, sometimes more. I find myself looking forward to things that I see coming for them. Things  that are happening with and to them. And I remember my mom crying over the very same things. And that always confused me a little. Still does. So many of the the things I wanted her to be excited and laugh with me about she cried over.

fine print: Now the things I am about to use as example will likely have me sleeping with one eyes open as D will want to murder me for posting, but since she is the oldest she has a lot of the best examples of the sorts of things I mean right now.  And I hope my Mom sees this as insight and not criticism, as  it is not at all anything bad about her. It’s about diffrences. So you all best appreciate that I am putting my life at risk for your reading enjoyment. On to the examples…

For example, D had her first kiss this spring. Just that little cute lip to lip smooching sort of thing. My mother was dropping off the littler ones, D walked home with her boyfriend and as my mom pulled out of the drive way she caught sight of this very momentous first in her rear view mirror. I was in the house oblivious while I handed out string cheese and juice boxes and sorted through back packs.  D came in, pink cheeked and giggling, big blue eyes sparking while she told me with that look of uncertainty as to how I would react on her face. I grinned. How could I not?! The look on her face, that was priceless. She will never look like that again. No other kiss will do that to her.  In the moment I giggled with her, teased her a little, dubbed her Miss Smoochie, and listened. She knew my mom has seen and that embarrassed her, but I teased her through it. Oddly recounting it now has me tearing up..but in the moment, I was so excited for her.

My mom to her credit just pulled out of the driveway and went home and called me. I knew when I saw the name in caller ID what she likely had to say. And I knew when I answered she would be crying. Two points for me, I had it right.  There wasn’t really anything at all negative in what she had to say, or what she thought of it. It was just this prevailing melancholy about it, the same that I remember feeling as I started to do things that had me less dependent on my mom. Things that would mark my growing up to her. I did the same thing with her that I was doing with D then. I teased her, coaxed her out of tears. Teased D while we talked too and that them both get over it I think.

But the thing is, in the moment I am happy for them. I am thinking more about whats going on with them as they take that first step, have that first,  than it meaning they are growing up and away from me. I think for my mother it wasn’t that way. I think it was so much of both for her. Maybe one day I will go into detail about it, but suffice it to say I know her reasons and I don’t fault her for them, but it always made me feel a little guilty. Made me feel  like while I was having this amazing first I was also causing her some pretty amazing pain.

And while I do understand the reasons as I said, and I know she isn’t alone in those feelings or reactions however when I have my Monsters looking back at me for encouragement I don’t want that tinged with my melancholy. I can cry at 6am when I blog about it. In that moment I want them to know they can grow up without feeling like they are hurting me. I want them to know that they can always tell me stuff.  My moms reactions never stopped me from telling her stuff. Part my personality, part me knowing I could tell her even if she cried. But that doesn’t mean a lot of my memories are tinted blue with her reactions.

Personally, I am not a fan a blue. I like pink, so bring on the rose tinted glasses, all memories of growing up should be colored by them.

It’s a simple word, a universal concept, and something that none of us do often enough. We tell our children to do it. We want them to dream, big lofty things with wings and no limitations. But do we give ourselves the same expectations? As parents, do we dream enough, dream our own dreams. Things for ourselves, not things for them. Where do they end and we begin? Do we get so caught up in being parents that we forget that we are people as well.  How do you teach someone to dream when you do not do so yourself.

I ask these things with an insomnia addled mind, at 6am when I haven’t slept yet. I ask them after standing in my doorway watching the morning light filter golden to green through the trees of my neighbors yard and dapple on the street in front of my house and thinking I hadn’t noticed the way that the stones in my walk glitter in the morning light. I used to see those things. Always. When did I stop noticing them. Did I begin to stop when I became a parent? Have I become nothing more than someones mother?

I know that many will say with indignant snorts that it is. And I should be so lucky as to define myself as such. How dare I question. But I do. I do because I used to dream and I think I have stopped. I used to imagine and think I have forgotten how. I used to notice whimsical things, like sparking stones in my walk, and now I am not. Did I give up me for them?

I know that it is a common thought that that is what being a good parent is. But I don’t think so. I think you have to retain some of yourself, because if you don’t you begin to define yourself by the accomplishments of another. And even if you did help to bring that person into being, is that a good idea? People balk at the idea of being defined by a spouse, a lover, their family, their own parents. Why are we as parents expected to be defined by our children.

We all need to be our own person. We all need to have things that define us as individuals. We all need to learn to dream more, and to dream well. We are teaching our children to be independent people, how better to do that than to be strong in our own dreams and selves. Dream. Something just for you. Selfish, and sweet, and beautiful, and make it so tangable that you can almost taste it. Dream. That is the best way to teach them to do the same.

  So this is what makes little Monsters giggle and one older girl Monster roll her eyes on the morning of the last day of school for the year.  They were already bouncing around like lunatics this morning so  thought I would give them a theme song to do it too. And, well..Alice Cooper this is what you get from a Mommy who used to headbang herself into whiplash on a regular basis. I gave a demonstration this morning on proper technique..I think I need an Excedrin now.

    But I digress…We live in Southern Missouri, and here school runs August to May, barring any snow days (having moved here from near Syracuse NY we use that term is used very tongue in cheek in our house) and today is the absolute very last day of school. The house was a buzz with excitement. Not only is it the last day, it’s a half day..

(Okay, another tangent here) I am totally not sure I understand what the point of that is, but every school seems to do it. Is it to give us parents a last little reprieve so that we can mourn the passing of semi-quiet days? To taunt the children and make them a little more riled up? To prolong the angst of 13 year olds everywhere?

  ..and the Monsters were in rare form this morning. They discussed loudly what they plan to do all summer. There will be lots of bubble blowing, frog catching, bug bite getting, poison ivy avoiding, swimming, zooing, ice cream getting, computer playing, movie watching, sister annoying (that was implied), side-walk-chalking, staying up late, library going, driving crazy of Mommy (that is a given) this summer.  Notice there was no talk of sleeping in or quietness..Yep, I am pretty sure I need an Excedrin now. Heck, better make it two.

Since you only turn 13 once so..birthday party.  We haven’t really had any beyond family since we moved to MO from NY,  but it’s time to start again and D is the proud recipient of the first one to be thrown in Missouri.

Now, I like to do fun parties, themes that keep the kids active so that I don’t have boredom and all the things that cam lead to. I gave her a few options and she has decided on a sleepover,  chocolate spa theme. We are doing chocolate brown and pale turquise with gold and silver stars. The spa will be called ‘Etoile’ (french for star) and be my living room and dining room. Facials, manicures, pedicures, and movies. Plus the wii and the PS2 to play on. She’s only having 6 girls over, so it shouldn’t be to bad.

I am going to make her a website with an itinerary and menu and movie list and directions for her friends moms, just like a real spa would have. Planning the activities and the menu at the moment, looking up recipies for food and facials both. I’m also working on the logo for her goodie bags and invites as well as the menu. And I need to find a good cake recipie. I’ll have to post the logos and so on when I get them done.

Biggest downside so far? Chocolate recipe research makes me hungry.

I have no idea where to begin. None what so ever. I have tons and tons of information. Maybe too much of it, I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to start someplace and I haven’t a clue where that place is.

I think for one thing for us, or me at least, even what is likely behaviors that are part of F’s Aspergers are just part of her personality to me. They are things that have been part of her since..well..forever..and so I have learned to cope with them. Learned to compensate and handle. Maybe F would have been diagnosed earlier if I hadn’t used the idea that all kids are diffrent and she was just my Wild One.  I think I am worried that because I have learned to handle her behaviors for the most part inside our family that maybe those things are actually hindering her. Maybe I haven’t given her the tools to cope properly. And in all actuality I don’t think we have been coping well. I think we have just been getting by.

We started her on Concerta last week for the ADHD, and the change has been immediate. A huge diffrence in her ablity to focus and pay attention in class. So much so that she missed her dose yesterday and her teacher wrote a note asking if she had. My mother however says F has lost her sparkle. I think my mother has lost her mind. I see a little girl who is far more focused and calm. I think she might understand it more if she saw how F struggles all the time, something she is not privy too. Living near someone, taking them for overnights is not living with, and unless you are living with it I don’t think you can see the entire picture. Their are a lot of things that no one else see’s.

F is high functioning and that makes me wonder how hard it is going to be to get her help once I know what help I need to get her. Everyone focuses on the more profound cases. And I can understand that, those kids are so hard to reach. Those families need so much support. Add to that that here I am at the begining of all this with a 7 year old. Almost all the focus for beinging treatment is on toddlers. Under fives. Yet another reason to feel like I screwed up. And anothre reason for me to be angery. I have been fighting for this for her since she was 3. Four years. Time wasted? Opportunities lost for her? Will it be harder to teach her coping skill and thearapies because she has already started the foundations, even if they are wrong ones. So many things to relearn. It’s about reteaching her to think, to learn.

And finding where to start. I feel like I am looking for the start of a thread in a huge tangled ball. 101 possablities and nothing is familiar. Nothing at all.

 Today is, as I am sure you have likely gathered from the title of my posting, is World Autism Awareness Day. Aspergers Disorder as you may or may not be aware is in the Autism spectrum. There is a lot about Autism that people don’t know. Most people are familar with the classic images of what an Autistic child is. But there are other forms and manifestations of the disease. There are millions of children and adults living with it and as many variations of symptoms. So, I am going to share some information as well as some links because knowledge is a powerful thing.

  What is World Autism Day? How did it come about?

“On December 18, 2007, the United Nations General Assembly adopted resolution 62/139, tabled by the State of Qatar, which declares April 2 as World Autism Awareness Day (WAAD) in perpetuity. Her Highness Sheikha Mozah Bint Nasser Al-Missned, Consort of His Highness Sheikh Hamad Bin Khalifa Al-Thani, the Emir of the State of Qatar, supported the campaign for a World Autism Awareness Day through the current 62nd UN General Assembly Session, garnering consensus support from all United Nations Member States.

This UN resolution is one of only three official disease-specific United Nations Days and will bring the world’s attention to autism, a pervasive disorder that affects tens of millions. The World Autism Awareness Day resolution encourages all Member States to take measures to raise awareness about autism throughout society and to encourage early diagnosis and early intervention. It further expresses deep concern at the prevalence and high rate of autism in children in all regions of the world and the consequent developmental challenges.

World Autism Awareness Day shines a bright light on autism as a growing global health crisis. WAAD activities help to increase and develop world knowledge of the autism epidemic and  impart information regarding the importance of early diagnosis and early intervention. Additionally, WAAD celebrates the unique talents and skills of persons with autism and is a day when individuals with autism are warmly welcomed and embraced in community events around the globe.

By bringing together autism organizations all around the world, we will give a voice to the millions of individuals worldwide who are undiagnosed, misunderstood and looking for help. Please join us in our effort to inspire compassion, inclusion and hope. “ 

~World Autism Awareness Day.ORG

 What is is Autism?

Autism is a complex neurobiological disorder that typically lasts throughout a person’s lifetime. It is part of a group of disorders known as autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Today, 1 in 150 individuals is diagnosed with autism, making it more common than pediatric cancer, diabetes, and AIDS combined. It occurs in all racial, ethnic, and social groups and is four times more likely to strike boys than girls. Autism impairs a person’s ability to communicate and relate to others. It is also associated with rigid routines and repetitive behaviors, such as obsessively arranging objects or following very specific routines. Symptoms can range from very mild to quite severe.

~Autism Speaks: What is Autism, an Overview

Autism Speaks

AutismSpot.com

Autism research Institute

Autism Society of America

First Signs

Judevine

WorldAutismDay.org

 I will likely be posting a lot about this subject this month as April is Autism awareness month as well. Hmm..maybe I need two blogs.

It hit me this morning as the alarm was beeping from the girls room and I was trying to convince D that she needed to get up and stop hitting the snooze button that in 17 days I am going to be the mother of a teenager. I’ve known for ages that thirteen comes after twelve, and yet I found myself wondering how could this be.

I have decided I am not ready. I am not old enough. I said the very same things when I was in labor with her. I told a nurse that I didn’t want to do this (be in labor) any more and that I was just going to go home. So somehow I am certain that if I couldn’t stop it then, I can’t stop it now.

Again, time flies for me. Lags for her. I know it does..I remember. But times is about to start changing for her too, though she won’t know it for a while. Not till she looks back and wonders how the hell she got to <insert important life event> because she will still feel 12 somewhere inside. She is clamoring to grow up. Lip gloss and mascara. A boyfriend who walks her home from school. She’s gaining on me in height. She knows so much.

The nurse laughed when I said what I did to her. She smiled and she patted my hand and she said it was too late for that now. No turning back. And now is no different.

I’m not ready. However that doesn’t matter. D is.