My Children Made me This Way

I realized the other day (when I am not being sappy, or having 6am epiphanies) that I don’t seem to look on the growing up of my children through  same thin veil of sadness that I see in many mothers. In many parents. Ok.. maybe it’s just the sort that I saw in my mother as I grew up..and even see in her now as she watches her grandchildren grow. It’s like reverse rose tinted glasses. They seem to have colored all the milestones and events with a hint of blue.

Now it’s not that I don’t  get a little weepy or nostalgic, just read my other posts..but more often than not I am as excited about the growing up as they are. Hell, sometimes more. I find myself looking forward to things that I see coming for them. Things  that are happening with and to them. And I remember my mom crying over the very same things. And that always confused me a little. Still does. So many of the the things I wanted her to be excited and laugh with me about she cried over.

fine print: Now the things I am about to use as example will likely have me sleeping with one eyes open as D will want to murder me for posting, but since she is the oldest she has a lot of the best examples of the sorts of things I mean right now.  And I hope my Mom sees this as insight and not criticism, as  it is not at all anything bad about her. It’s about diffrences. So you all best appreciate that I am putting my life at risk for your reading enjoyment. On to the examples…

For example, D had her first kiss this spring. Just that little cute lip to lip smooching sort of thing. My mother was dropping off the littler ones, D walked home with her boyfriend and as my mom pulled out of the drive way she caught sight of this very momentous first in her rear view mirror. I was in the house oblivious while I handed out string cheese and juice boxes and sorted through back packs.  D came in, pink cheeked and giggling, big blue eyes sparking while she told me with that look of uncertainty as to how I would react on her face. I grinned. How could I not?! The look on her face, that was priceless. She will never look like that again. No other kiss will do that to her.  In the moment I giggled with her, teased her a little, dubbed her Miss Smoochie, and listened. She knew my mom has seen and that embarrassed her, but I teased her through it. Oddly recounting it now has me tearing up..but in the moment, I was so excited for her.

My mom to her credit just pulled out of the driveway and went home and called me. I knew when I saw the name in caller ID what she likely had to say. And I knew when I answered she would be crying. Two points for me, I had it right.  There wasn’t really anything at all negative in what she had to say, or what she thought of it. It was just this prevailing melancholy about it, the same that I remember feeling as I started to do things that had me less dependent on my mom. Things that would mark my growing up to her. I did the same thing with her that I was doing with D then. I teased her, coaxed her out of tears. Teased D while we talked too and that them both get over it I think.

But the thing is, in the moment I am happy for them. I am thinking more about whats going on with them as they take that first step, have that first,  than it meaning they are growing up and away from me. I think for my mother it wasn’t that way. I think it was so much of both for her. Maybe one day I will go into detail about it, but suffice it to say I know her reasons and I don’t fault her for them, but it always made me feel a little guilty. Made me feel  like while I was having this amazing first I was also causing her some pretty amazing pain.

And while I do understand the reasons as I said, and I know she isn’t alone in those feelings or reactions however when I have my Monsters looking back at me for encouragement I don’t want that tinged with my melancholy. I can cry at 6am when I blog about it. In that moment I want them to know they can grow up without feeling like they are hurting me. I want them to know that they can always tell me stuff.  My moms reactions never stopped me from telling her stuff. Part my personality, part me knowing I could tell her even if she cried. But that doesn’t mean a lot of my memories are tinted blue with her reactions.

Personally, I am not a fan a blue. I like pink, so bring on the rose tinted glasses, all memories of growing up should be colored by them.

I missed D’s birthday post on her birthday so I thought I would do it now

..better late than never..

My oldest Monster..where to start..

She came into the world hard, 23 hours of labor almost 8 of pushing with a bruise that covered most of the back of her head, but she was the rare pretty baby..she was beautiful from the start. When they handed her to me I knew what it meant to hold your heart outside of yourself.

Sweet and shy and easy to blush. She is quiet, always has been. Slow to warm up and trust. She watches the world with thoughtful eyes before she takes a step into it. She is careful, cautious almost to a fault. Sometimes you have to nudge her into new things.  But once she steps into it she shines.  She has this smile that lights up the room, once you can coax it out of her.

She is the oldest great grandchild as well as grandchild on both sides, the only girl in a long string of boys on her Dads side.  Another blonde with blue eyes who looks nothing like me, she is her Daddy’s little girl in all senses of the word.

But the little is starting to pass..she is almost as tall as me. And the girl is becoming a young woman. She is looking more and more grown up.  There are more and more glimpses of the woman she will be one day peeking out from inside the girl that she is, I can see her slipping back and forth between the two. Shades and shadows that are mingling till one day it will be glimpses of the little girl that I am catching instead.

Ready or not…my Sunshiney Girl is now 13.

  So this is what makes little Monsters giggle and one older girl Monster roll her eyes on the morning of the last day of school for the year.  They were already bouncing around like lunatics this morning so  thought I would give them a theme song to do it too. And, well..Alice Cooper this is what you get from a Mommy who used to headbang herself into whiplash on a regular basis. I gave a demonstration this morning on proper technique..I think I need an Excedrin now.

    But I digress…We live in Southern Missouri, and here school runs August to May, barring any snow days (having moved here from near Syracuse NY we use that term is used very tongue in cheek in our house) and today is the absolute very last day of school. The house was a buzz with excitement. Not only is it the last day, it’s a half day..

(Okay, another tangent here) I am totally not sure I understand what the point of that is, but every school seems to do it. Is it to give us parents a last little reprieve so that we can mourn the passing of semi-quiet days? To taunt the children and make them a little more riled up? To prolong the angst of 13 year olds everywhere?

  ..and the Monsters were in rare form this morning. They discussed loudly what they plan to do all summer. There will be lots of bubble blowing, frog catching, bug bite getting, poison ivy avoiding, swimming, zooing, ice cream getting, computer playing, movie watching, sister annoying (that was implied), side-walk-chalking, staying up late, library going, driving crazy of Mommy (that is a given) this summer.  Notice there was no talk of sleeping in or quietness..Yep, I am pretty sure I need an Excedrin now. Heck, better make it two.

I have no idea where to begin. None what so ever. I have tons and tons of information. Maybe too much of it, I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to start someplace and I haven’t a clue where that place is.

I think for one thing for us, or me at least, even what is likely behaviors that are part of F’s Aspergers are just part of her personality to me. They are things that have been part of her since..well..forever..and so I have learned to cope with them. Learned to compensate and handle. Maybe F would have been diagnosed earlier if I hadn’t used the idea that all kids are diffrent and she was just my Wild One.  I think I am worried that because I have learned to handle her behaviors for the most part inside our family that maybe those things are actually hindering her. Maybe I haven’t given her the tools to cope properly. And in all actuality I don’t think we have been coping well. I think we have just been getting by.

We started her on Concerta last week for the ADHD, and the change has been immediate. A huge diffrence in her ablity to focus and pay attention in class. So much so that she missed her dose yesterday and her teacher wrote a note asking if she had. My mother however says F has lost her sparkle. I think my mother has lost her mind. I see a little girl who is far more focused and calm. I think she might understand it more if she saw how F struggles all the time, something she is not privy too. Living near someone, taking them for overnights is not living with, and unless you are living with it I don’t think you can see the entire picture. Their are a lot of things that no one else see’s.

F is high functioning and that makes me wonder how hard it is going to be to get her help once I know what help I need to get her. Everyone focuses on the more profound cases. And I can understand that, those kids are so hard to reach. Those families need so much support. Add to that that here I am at the begining of all this with a 7 year old. Almost all the focus for beinging treatment is on toddlers. Under fives. Yet another reason to feel like I screwed up. And anothre reason for me to be angery. I have been fighting for this for her since she was 3. Four years. Time wasted? Opportunities lost for her? Will it be harder to teach her coping skill and thearapies because she has already started the foundations, even if they are wrong ones. So many things to relearn. It’s about reteaching her to think, to learn.

And finding where to start. I feel like I am looking for the start of a thread in a huge tangled ball. 101 possablities and nothing is familiar. Nothing at all.

 Today is, as I am sure you have likely gathered from the title of my posting, is World Autism Awareness Day. Aspergers Disorder as you may or may not be aware is in the Autism spectrum. There is a lot about Autism that people don’t know. Most people are familar with the classic images of what an Autistic child is. But there are other forms and manifestations of the disease. There are millions of children and adults living with it and as many variations of symptoms. So, I am going to share some information as well as some links because knowledge is a powerful thing.

  What is World Autism Day? How did it come about?

“On December 18, 2007, the United Nations General Assembly adopted resolution 62/139, tabled by the State of Qatar, which declares April 2 as World Autism Awareness Day (WAAD) in perpetuity. Her Highness Sheikha Mozah Bint Nasser Al-Missned, Consort of His Highness Sheikh Hamad Bin Khalifa Al-Thani, the Emir of the State of Qatar, supported the campaign for a World Autism Awareness Day through the current 62nd UN General Assembly Session, garnering consensus support from all United Nations Member States.

This UN resolution is one of only three official disease-specific United Nations Days and will bring the world’s attention to autism, a pervasive disorder that affects tens of millions. The World Autism Awareness Day resolution encourages all Member States to take measures to raise awareness about autism throughout society and to encourage early diagnosis and early intervention. It further expresses deep concern at the prevalence and high rate of autism in children in all regions of the world and the consequent developmental challenges.

World Autism Awareness Day shines a bright light on autism as a growing global health crisis. WAAD activities help to increase and develop world knowledge of the autism epidemic and  impart information regarding the importance of early diagnosis and early intervention. Additionally, WAAD celebrates the unique talents and skills of persons with autism and is a day when individuals with autism are warmly welcomed and embraced in community events around the globe.

By bringing together autism organizations all around the world, we will give a voice to the millions of individuals worldwide who are undiagnosed, misunderstood and looking for help. Please join us in our effort to inspire compassion, inclusion and hope. “ 

~World Autism Awareness Day.ORG

 What is is Autism?

Autism is a complex neurobiological disorder that typically lasts throughout a person’s lifetime. It is part of a group of disorders known as autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Today, 1 in 150 individuals is diagnosed with autism, making it more common than pediatric cancer, diabetes, and AIDS combined. It occurs in all racial, ethnic, and social groups and is four times more likely to strike boys than girls. Autism impairs a person’s ability to communicate and relate to others. It is also associated with rigid routines and repetitive behaviors, such as obsessively arranging objects or following very specific routines. Symptoms can range from very mild to quite severe.

~Autism Speaks: What is Autism, an Overview

Autism Speaks

AutismSpot.com

Autism research Institute

Autism Society of America

First Signs

Judevine

WorldAutismDay.org

 I will likely be posting a lot about this subject this month as April is Autism awareness month as well. Hmm..maybe I need two blogs.

It’s been a long day. I am tired. I keep thinking I should post..but ugh. I so can’t be bothered. Cleaning closets. Getting summer clothes out. Putting winter clothes away. Making everyone try on everything to see whats to big, whats to small, what can be passed on to whom. Soccer practice started today, D on Tues. and then S on Thurs. and games on Sat.

And the Monsters. Spring is in the air, but that air can’t make up it’s mind. 80 one day and then 50 the next. So they are bickering.It’s just the usual brother sister sort of thing, but it’s enough that when I got online today and I saw this comic strip, I had to laugh. It’s perfect.

And that just says it all.

We got the official Diagnosis for F on Tuesday. Inattentive and Hyperactive ADHD as well as Aspergers Syndrome. We now start investigating learning disabilities as well. No, it not as if it’s cancer, or life threatening. Some people have far worse to handle. But it’s still my Monster, and it still kills me. This is what I wrote in the hour car ride home while my husband drove and F sang along with Lori Berkner in the backseat:

I can feel myself sinking. It’s been slow to finally get here. 4 years. But it’s been quick, so fast too. Or maybe I have always been sat on the brink,  holding my breath, waiting for this. Right there on the edge of it, hovering. Waiting to slip into it. It seems like a slow drift down. Quiet when the words first make your ears. Silent. At least in those first few moments. Before the whispers begin to edge in and fill your hear with their soft white noise when you should be listening to the Doctor. Doubts. What ifs. Would have, could have, should have.

There are so many unknowns and so many possibilities unvisited. They sit there, echoing in back of my mind. Shadows that press like velvet against me and smother rather than soothe. They always tell you that it’s nothing you did. Or didn’t do. Genetics. Biology. Generations of combination’s breeding true. Chemistry. It happens. But that does’t mean I don’t think;

• I smoked. Was that it?
• All I managed to keep down was Pepsi and Chocolate ice cream. Could that have done it?
• I lost weight. Would that do it?
• I worked for the Vet still then. I know I jabbed myself with a Feluek vaccination. Would that do it?
• What about the fall down the stairs that fractured my ankle? The X-ray?
• She had RSV at 3 months. She stopped breathing, and we had to call 911. Was it that?

They say no, it’s not external. It’s something she came with. It’s who F is. The year she was born I had other concerns for her and her siblings. I had my hand on my pregnant belly, on her, on the morning of 9/11 2001. There was a tiny kick, a gentle roll when my heart stopped in the moments as the second tower fell. I stood under an airplane less sky, for the first time in my life, in Upstate NY and I watched the wide and cloudless blue and I wanted to keep her safe give her that peace. Protect her form the world. that was the big scary world. This. This is the real, close to home world. This is what can really hurt her. So how do I protect her from this. How do I help her on this path, when it’s all new to me as well.

I am still finding my way. I will get there, but sometimes I don’t find the easiest or shortest or even the best way and I don’t want to do that to her. I am so clumsy sometimes, just don’t let me trip now.

One of the things that I was most glad about when I graduated from first high school and then from college was the fact that I would never again have to do homework. At least not to the extent that I once had. The idea of after work hours spent in blissful relaxation, or even doing things that *gasp* I liked doing made me giddy. And then, of course, reality hit me with my first job.

I had to bring home work…making it homework. I ignored that connection that my brain made, and finished writting up charts or doing the billing or reminder cards to be taken back to work the next day. I resalved myself to this just being one of those things that needed doing, besides, I got paid for this.

And then I had the Monsters, D started school. D went to second grade. I had homework in my life once more. But now, now I was on the helping end. At first it was easy. None of them minds it at first. But somewhere about 4th grade 2 things happen. The work gets a little more complex and they get a little less enthusiastic. Unless you’re F, she has balked since the first page came home.

It is amazing how much math you can forget in a few years. Though I think they might have changed how they do things, at least thats the theory I am going with. The map of the world looks nothing at all like it did when I was in elementary school..or even high school for that matter. I am really missing that big purple splotch in the middle of Europe that used to read USSR. Thank goodness history hasn’t changed. Just been added to. And luckily some of what has been added I have lived through….

Oh God, now I hate homework and feel old.

The computer is a great thing and the internet is wonderful, wonderful place. I have found so many interesting and useful things online. As well as completely useless and highly entertaining. It really depends on the day. However there are two places that I though I would share as they seem to be places that I find myself at frequently. One is a great tool for grown-ups, and the other is pretty good place for kids. The best part? They are both free!

First is SparkPeople . If you have a New Years resolution to lose weight, get in shape, or something in between, this site really is amazing.There are all sorts of trackers, for nutrition, goals, weight, and fitness. There is also a meal plan that you can use. There are message boards, and tons of articles about all sorts of things. You also get your own page and blog as well as free workout videos. And there is a wide range of them suited to most people. And it really is free. No catches that I have found, and I have been there about a year.

The other place is Neopets . It’s for kids…well mostly. I have an account there as well, and there are actually a lot of adults there. HOWEVER there are safeguards in place for children under 13 to keep people from contacting them and I have never had a problem with the Monsters playing there. You get to create a pet to care for, a home and there are lots of games. When I first happened across the game 4 years ago it was completely free. There is now a paid portion, but ofr the most part it is still a free game. I think it’s a good place for the Monsters when they can’t go outside and they have run out of things to do inside.

So there you are… a couple more things that I find helpful.

Winter break is officially over and I have survived! I got up with the first little peep of the alarm. I woke up Monsters who immediately started with the same grumblies that they went to bed with. But I smiled, and I sing songed at them to rise and sparkle and then I half skipped to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Now I do remember what it was like to wake up that Morning when you go back to school off vacation. At least the teenaged portion of it. The half anticipation, half dread. You get to see your friends, but you have all that school work again. D (OMG she will be 13 this year) was angsty with it this morning with it. She fussed with her clothes and messed with her hair, vacillating between sighs and smiles.  By the time their Pappy came to pick them up she wasn’t in so much of a sulk.

S was his usual groggy upon waking.. He wolfed down his breakfast, wore part of it and had to change his shirt, and then finished off what F left on her plate. By the time he had some food in him he was animated and excited about getting back so he could get a new library book.  So much so he left his glasses at home, and I had to have my dad come back and get them and take them to school for me.

F and C…well, chocolate chip pancakes and the fact that they would be on the playground today was enough to have have them bouncing once they got a touch more awake. I even had the pair of them excited and in the kitchen as I cooked, singing silly made up songs about going back to school with me.  Much to the dismay of D.

And now…it is quiet. My house is mine. My Monday is mine. Christmas is now officially over.

Happy 2009!